Teachable moments
Shout out to those who commented on my last post. I'm going to be vulnerable for a moment here and admit that it felt good to see this isn't an entirely one-sided conversation.
And while I'm being vulnerable, I'll share that the job search feels bleak. I have had such little success with my applications, and it's hard not to separate those rejections from my worth - my worth to myself, to my husband, and to those surrounding me, asking how the search is going - and I start asking questions like "Have my past successes all been flukes?" and "Am I the same girl Jamie thought he was marrying? Does he feel tricked? Or disappointed" and "Do I look pathetic to everyone else?"
I know these are mostly false narratives I'm feeding myself, that I'm a month into a search in a new country, that I'm working on very few local connections, and that, actually, I DO have one opportunity moving forward, but I so badly want to be unique and exceptional and the girl that was able to come over here and defy the odds and get the dream job within her first week.
Fear not, I'm doing all of the right things - talking through my feelings with my support system (you know who you are, and thanks), eating well, exercising, sleeping well...and surely this is whole experience is full of "teachable moments" that will usher more empathy and humility into my life. Oh, and naps.
And while I'm being vulnerable, I'll share that the job search feels bleak. I have had such little success with my applications, and it's hard not to separate those rejections from my worth - my worth to myself, to my husband, and to those surrounding me, asking how the search is going - and I start asking questions like "Have my past successes all been flukes?" and "Am I the same girl Jamie thought he was marrying? Does he feel tricked? Or disappointed" and "Do I look pathetic to everyone else?"
I know these are mostly false narratives I'm feeding myself, that I'm a month into a search in a new country, that I'm working on very few local connections, and that, actually, I DO have one opportunity moving forward, but I so badly want to be unique and exceptional and the girl that was able to come over here and defy the odds and get the dream job within her first week.
Fear not, I'm doing all of the right things - talking through my feelings with my support system (you know who you are, and thanks), eating well, exercising, sleeping well...and surely this is whole experience is full of "teachable moments" that will usher more empathy and humility into my life. Oh, and naps.
Try and enjoy this time. It'll pass... before you know it, you'll have a job (maybe a dream job, maybe a grind); then you'll have kids (maybe they'll be fun! or maybe, they'll be waking you up at 3 a.m. and then waking up their big sister at 3:30 a.m. --- you know, the big sister who has her standardized test in the morning and really needed a good night's sleep, that one -- or maybe, maybe they'll refuse to eat the cheese eggs breakfast you got up and cooked for them and then tell you how you're the worst mother ever -- oh wait. That's all me) but anyway - I promise you -this limbo will be fleeting and before you know it you'll wish you had it back and allowed yourself to enjoy it. So there. I've said my piece. (peace? Whit and I always debate this saying...)
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